


The Senju Hashirama Memorial’s Seventh Annual Haunted Hospital Event

by elenathehun



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Comedy, Gen, Haunted Houses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 22:37:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8596471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elenathehun/pseuds/elenathehun
Summary: That one story where Naruto is not a grimdark war story, but a fluffy hospital comedy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on 29 Oct 2016 for Sumigakure's Halloween Event 2016. It was a fill for prompt #8 Working at a Haunt House!AU. Given that prompt and my summary, I hope you aren't expecting this to be in-character ;)

“This is your ‘really really good’ artist friend, Sakura?”

Shizune did not sound very impressed, but Sakura didn’t really blame the other woman: even by art student standards, Sai looked really lame. That maniac Deidara did his best to inculcate some kind of mystery about himself with his relentlessly abrasive self-promotion on social media, and even Sasori, as deadly dull as he was, had that weird body modification schtick going on. In comparison, Sai just looked like a really confused bum, given his love of crop tops and moto jackets. The perpetually stoned expression didn’t help either.

“Shizune, I know he doesn’t look like much, but Sai is really good!” Sakura insisted, then turn and poked the boy right in the ribs. "Show her your stuff, Sai!“

Sai just turned and looked at her with his dead eyes before smiling his awful fake smile. Through sheer force of will, Sakura did _not_ shudder in horror. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and glared at him full force. Sai wasn’t stupid, even if he liked pretending he was; he’d get the goddamn message.

And indeed, he did, taking out his "decorating portfolio” and handing it over the Shizune. God bless Sai’s total anal retentiveness in regards to organization. Shizune flipped through the book, one eyebrow gradually rising, and when she finished, she had an expression of slight respect on her face. 

“I take it back, Sakura, this guy does good work,” Shizune says approvingly. Sai stood a little straighter; Sakura valiantly repressed a mocking smile.

“Anyway, did Sakura explain exactly what this mission is?” Shizune asked Sai, a no-nonsense look on her face. 

“Decorate the surgery ward for the yearly haunted hospital event, ” Sai replied in his trademark monotone. 

“No,” Shizune said, shaking her head. She had a fierce, feral light in her eyes, and Sakura squealed inside. _**Sempai is SO COOL!!**_

“We are going to _crush the Oncology Ward under our heels like the cockroaches they are_.”

* * *

“…and then Dr. Kato took Haruno’s boyfriend around the whole ward,” Karin said, more than a little bored as she finished her recitation. "Can we get back to work, now? Because I’ve been up for twenty-eight hours straight, and I’d really like catch a nap before my next shift starts.“

"Karin,” Kabuto said mildly. "If you want my recommendation letter for that fellowship in Ame that you’re angling for, shut up right now.“

Karin shut up, although she didn’t like it. Dr. Yakushi was such an asshole. If she’d known then what she’d knew now…well, she would have still applied here, but she would have been meaner to Kabuto in the beginning. 

"This is good news,” Kabuto said, still in that deceptively mild tone of voice. "If she’s getting outside assistance, she must be running scared.“

"You said that last year, too, and they still won,” Karin reminded him with a huffy sigh. The whole thing was so stupid, it wasn’t even worth rolling her eyes.

“This year is different,” Kabuto insisted, eyeglasses flashing in the usual creepy way. "This year, I too have brought in outside assistance!“

And with that, he dramatically flung up a closet door, revealing a rather plain looking man standing among the janitorial supplies. _Oh my god_ , Karin thought. _He’s finally lost it._

"I’m sorry, but who are you?” she asked after a long pause.

The plain guy looked even more put out about the whole thing. "Yamato,“ he said. "And honestly, I don’t even know why I’m even here." 

* * *

When Tsunade checked in with her erstwhile Oncology Department head, he was sitting in his desk, peering at a jar full of preserved eyeballs.

"Oh, god, tell me that isn’t Dr. Shimura’s jar of eyes,” she said in horror.

“This isn’t Dr. Shimura’s jar of eyes,” Orochimaru parroted back. He wasn’t even bothering to pretend not to lie.

“Ugh, I was hoping the old bastard would take that with him when he retired,” Tsunade complained as she pulled out one of Orochimaru’s horribly uncomfortable chairs and sat down. "But of course not. Did you loot it from his office after Professor Sarutobi dragged him off the premises, kicking and screaming?“

At that, Orochimaru did look up and flash one of his rare quicksilver smiles. "He gave it to me beforehand. And don’t be silly, you know it took the combined talents of the Professors Sarutobi, Utanane, _and_ Mitokado to carry him off the grounds.”

“Good times!” Tsunade replied, chuckling. "I watch the security tape every time he annoys me with another passive-aggressive email chain questioning the hospital’s next five-year-plan.“

Orochimaru snorted, and finally put the jar of eyes down. "Well, as fun as this has been, I’m sure you didn’t come all the way down here to just to reminisce about our least favorite instructor. What’s going on?”

“It’s Halloween,“ Tsunade said meaningfully. "So as usual, Shizune and Kabuto have decided the best use of their time is to utterly destroy the other in competitive decorating. I want your word that you will ensure that Kabuto will _not_ use any dead bodies as props in his campaign.”

“If they were donated-” Orochimaru begins.

“For science!” Tsunade snaps. "Not as a prop for our haunted hospital event! It’s unsanitary and disrespectful to the dead. So yes, I want your word.“

Orochimaru sighs in exasperation. "Fine. I’ll visit Kabuto and ensure he doesn’t get too out of hand. Although I think you underestimate Karin’s ability to oppose his more extreme ideas.”

“I don’t care about your little failsafe snitch, you are his supervisor and need to take responsibility,” Tsunade says. "I just want to ensure that we’re all on the same page with the whole _no dead bodies in the decorations_ thing. Got it?“

"Got it,” he replied, already bored.

“Great! I’ll see you at the board meeting tomorrow morning!” Tsunade said, already walking out the door. "Bring your best budget projections.“

* * *

"So this year, I think we’re going to participate in the annual Haunted House contest,” Dan said three-quarters of the way through the Psychiatry Department’s weekly operations meeting. The room goes dead silent at his words.

“Boss…” Anko said in a choked voice, eyes shining bright. "Do you really mean it?“

"Yes, I think it will be fun,” Dan said happily. "Is there anyone who want to take charge of the actual project?“

"I’ll do it.” Those words break the silence, and excited whispers immediately begin to fill the room.

“Oh, that’s very generous of you, Dr. Morino,” Dan replied. "I’ll leave it in your capable hands. Does anyone else want to assist him?“

Slowly by surely, every doctor and nurse in the room raised their hand.

_(The Psychiatry Department wins - not just the inter-hospital contest, but the city-wide contest judged by the novelist Jiraiya. Both Shizune and Kabuto swear eternal revenge; Dan is totally oblivious. Tsunade is just glad no bodies were harmed in the course of hospital shenanigans.)_


End file.
